The Pastor's Wife

Carefully read the following quote…

Eight in 10 pastors’ wives say they feel unappreciated or unaccepted by their husbands’ congregations, according to surveys by the Global Pastors Wives Network (GPWN); the same number wish their husbands would choose another profession. “Wives’ issues” is the No. 1 reason pastors leave their ministries. The divorce rate among ministers and their wives is 50%, no better than that of the general public.” (www.christianpost.com)

Wow! That made me incredibly sad when I read it. Those were not my words or my own thoughts written there, but brutal statistics on pastors’ wives and the reasons pastors leave the ministry. {Before I get started, I confess I didn’t even know the GPWN existed!}

Before I talk about myself, I need to share background on how my husband was called into Pastoring I say “called” because we/he thinks of it as more than a career or a profession. I would never minimize or criticize one’s seminary or college training. I’m a big fan of academia as a whole. But, education without the intimate heart knowledge of God, salvation and redemption, is futile effort and often dangerous, in my opinion. Education doesn’t equate Godliness, with all due respect. On the other hand, if one has opportunity to attend seminary or a Christian college, then that’s an incredible opportunity, and I support it!  We believe that God can and does use those who think of themselves as unworthy and/or underqualified to preach the Gospel. “The foolishness of preaching,” as the Bible refers to it. He felt a heart tug and leading of the Holy Spirit a long time before he “surrendered” his life to God’s official call.

Prior to “senior Pastoring” as it is often referred to, he was the associate pastor for about ten years at a church, and the unofficial associate pastor (at a different location) for about eight years prior to that. All of that “fancy title” definition summarized in a few job roles, often within the same service:

Sunday school Teacher

Pianist

Moderator

Assistant to Pastor (which included being an encourager and sounding board. Side note: Pastors are regular people. They can be moody and easily discouraged! Be careful not to take away from his focus)

Assistant choir director

Assistant Pianist

Greeter

Song Leader

Outreach Leader

Youth Leader

Event Planner

Van/Bus Driver

Senior Saint Leader

Visitor of the sick/Hospitalized

Caller of the Flock

Prayer Line Coordinator

“Smoother off” of rough edges

Unseen cleaner of commodes

You name it

 

 

Let me put it this way. I cannot tell you the times he would teach an adult Sunday school class, immediately go to the sanctuary to greet people to help them feel welcome. Play piano music to help facilitate a spiritual atmosphere. Switch gears to do the official greeting – open up service – make announcements. Then move to leading the choir, or sing with the choir, or play the piano for the choir. (Ya’ have to be prepared for anything!)

 Then after the offering part of service, it is time to sing a song or two (he and I) or he might play for another group or two. There are lots of things to maneuver and “work out” to make things appear smooth and effortless!

Then, “finally,” when the pastor stood to bring the message, it was often my husband running to adjust the sound, get the Pastor a bottle of water, working out glitches, adjust wires, or any other thing in way of serving to help the Pastor and message flow.

Aaahhh, then he’d sit down on the front row looking for help from the Word in support of the pastor. Sort of, the pastor’s built in ‘Amen Corner.’

Then again, frequently, it would also be my husband bringing the message. So duties continue!

After service, my husband would/does stand at the door and thank people for coming and add a personal touch. A connection. (You’ve heard that people get mad if the preacher doesn’t shake their hand!)

I confidently know this…He never complained; considered it a privilege to serve in any capacity because he was given a true Pastor’s heart of servant hood, but I could see there were times he was exhausted before he ever brought the Word. A lot of work goes on behind the scenes by way of Associate Pastors, Youth Pastors, and Pastors – of course musicians and other workers in the church. But this blog is specifically about Pastors and Pastor’s wife.

If done in the right heart and the right spirit, then God will bless our sacrifices. After all, it’s ALL about HIM. Not serving man. I’ve come to better understand that the unseen Hand of God sees the unseen work for His kingdom. It’s the eternal investment that often keeps us going! I’ve also come to understand that when a man claims and controls the church as his church, rather than HIS church, there’s usually an ego problem. Note I said control, and not lead. And not to be offensive to anyone, but Pastors should not (in my opinion) be bullies from the pulpit our outside of the pulpit.

We all have life experiences that help shape our attitudes, values, and views on life. I’m not projecting my emotions or thoughts onto you or anyone else. I’m not claiming martyrdom for my husband or me. I FULLY acknowledge without HIM, that I am nothing. I’m reminded that my best is as filthy rags according to God’s infallible Word! But, sometimes I think to myself, “You think your job is hard? Try being married to a man in the ministry!”  (Said in all humility)

After praying and debating for many weeks, here are a few random things I would like to confess or share with you. The list will not be all inclusive, but may they serve as gentle reminders.

The Pastor’s Wife

·        I’m a regular lady; married to a great guy. I have regular thoughts, adversities, goals, and broken dreams.

·        I’m married to the man God made for me. He happens to be my Pastor.

·        Secondary to God, I try to keep my husband and family first, just like I hope you do.

·        I spend a lot of time away from my husband. More than you think! As he’s visiting others and completing church duties, I can’t always attend, or the situation may not be appropriate for my presence.

·        I don’t eavesdrop on lengthy phone calls or conversations that he has with others, but sometimes I find myself desiring an equal span of time.

·        Weekends and Sundays are the BEST part of the week. Yet, Sundays are “work” days for us. In our specific situation, we’ve also worked secular jobs during the week and he MUST be prepared for two messages. You can’t summon God like a genie from a bottle. It takes time to prepare mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Messages are not haphazardly thrown together. Study time is often in lieu of family activities, late at night, or at the crack of dawn.

·        I’m a little jealous natured – Ladies, it’s not nice to be overly touchy with the Pastor or Associate Pastor. I notice when you’re too attention seeking. I’m a Christian, not a dummy. (Same goes for men as well…Long hugs and invasion of my personal space makes me feel awkward!)

·        I stand in need of prayer, as does my husband. Daily.

·        I thoroughly enjoy and feel blessed to be able to work alongside my husband. I have certain things that I am drawn to, like teaching a Bible Study or organizing a meal. I want you to be enriched, pleased and blessed by your church. Remember, I’m a people pleaser by nature, but I’m not perfect. I’m not a doormat… Nor am I the Pastor.

·        It’s my job to encourage the Pastor EVERY day, but especially on Mondays!! So please TRY to refrain from criticism and negative feedback on Sunday. If I’m discouraged, I’ll have a tendency to be in the WRONG spirit, and consequently hurt my Pastor. You’re familiar with the adage, “If mama ain’t happy – ain’t nobody happy.” Well, it’s like that for me too. If my husband isn’t happy, then I’m not happy! And vice versa! He wants me to be happy too.

Thank you for taking time to learn about me. Perhaps you have come to know me or your Pastor’s wife a little more. Just like preachers, the wives are all different. Some are introverts. Some extroverts. Some uncomfortable in the forefront; some resentful of the back burner. I’ve met some PW’s who don’t consider it a life calling. Others do. There’s no perfect formula for the perfect Pastor or Pastor’s Wife.

 

But, as Joshua said in the Bible, “but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15 KJV)

 

Let’s keep looking UP!