Mother's Day Angst

Proverbs 31:10 (KJV) -- Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Mother’s Day…it’s not as easy as it sounds. At least for some people. Like Christmas or Thanksgiving, certain holidays can be really difficult for many. And if you’ve lost your mother since LAST Mother’s Day, then the first year without her might be even more emotionally complex. Sad. Sorrowful. Just plain hard.

It’s uncouth to talk about a “bad” mother on the national day of recognition. But there IS such a thing. Unfortunately. So, here I sit writing what God has impressed upon my heart.

I was given the opportunity to console a lady today. I asked permission to share a little information. She’s in her late 50’s; a mom and a grandmom within her own right. Yet, she still cannot get over an abusive childhood and the tumultuous adulthood relationship with her mother.  Her mother is still living. She’s around 82 years of age. Still extending hurtful words, still using cruel actions, and seems to still take joy in engaging in hyper-critical language from how the daughter described it. She said, and I quote, “My mom has always, always made me feel like a failure.”

Let’s face it…it’s one of life’s mysteries. Mothers have the capability to hurt and abuse their children. Just like sitting in a garage day in and day out, doesn’t make one a car. Giving birth doesn’t automatically qualify one as a good mother. Or father. Can I get an amen?!  Is anyone hearing that humble protest?

If you’re an American over the age of 35, you may remember the Susan Smith case. A young mom drowned all of her precious children in a lake and then faked it as a kidnapping.  More recently the widely publicized court antics of Casey Anthony…Hard to even fathom! Yes, abuse from a parent comes in all shapes, sizes, and depths.

There’s a stigma with maternal neglect…at least to the many ladies or teens that I’ve spoken to.  A stigma of shame. Embarrassment. I find it’s often hidden from friends and family members. There’s just something DIFFERENT when it comes to not feeling loved or valued from your mother.  It’s almost impossible to explain to others the why and the how’s of maternal neglect. Dysfunction. 

It’s like that for infertile couples too. The stigma of embarrassment. Shame. Irrational guilt. People don’t know what to say. It’s just awkward for some people to practice good etiquette. (I have mentioned that adults without a verbal buffer can offend WAY TOO easily! Let’s be mindful of our words!)

Several years ago, I had a well-meaning lovely mother say to me, “Oh I can’t wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. You’re not a birth mother.”  Uhhhh….I beg your pardon. She didn’t intend for it to make a lasting scar, but it did.  Good ole’ foot and mouth syndrome. I sparked with indignation as I sat there – stewing. Pondering. Silently crying out, “My babies are in heaven. I’m a Godmother. I’m a mother figure. I’m a loving aunt. My husband doesn’t think of me a lessor person. I have a family, albeit a small one! I’m a minister’s wife…I nurture people week in and week out! I HAVE a mother. Of course it’s okay to say Happy Mother’s Day!”

It was all about me, me, me at that moment…I confess I remember being very irritated, until I realized within short order, that the lady didn’t mean to sound insensitive. Some people just don’t KNOW to practice good etiquette!! It wasn’t MY issue, it was hers.

Please allow me to offer SHORT TIPS on how NOT to ruin someone else’s Mother’s Day…

1)    Say “Happy Mother’s Day!” to all ladies…all ladies and all gentlemen HAVE been given birth by a mother. They may or may not have children, but we know by God’s law of reproduction, everyone has a mother.

2)  Do NOT say, “Oh just be patient…stop stressing and you’ll have 4 kids before you know it!” It makes ladies cringe.

3)  Don’t assume everyone’s mother is a selfless, loving, encouraging, warm bundle of hugs. I’ve met MANY young people living in the Children’s Home who would slap you for saying, “Oh your mom is so precious.”

4)  Keep it vague!! “I’ve been thinking about you…Hope you have a great day!” That’s plenty. You don’t have to apologize, nor does the lady you’re speaking to.

5)  Say thank you! “This weekend, I wanted to make an effort to thank you for teaching my little brat…for loving my kids…for being such a great role model to my precious delinquent.” (I just threw the word brat in there to see if you’re paying attention!!! Ok, delinquent was deliberate)

6)  Do NOT say, “I know lots of terrible mothers. I don’t know why God won’t give you a child. Have you prayed!?”

7)  Just be nice! And understand we really do NOT know what goes on behind other doors.

People are hurting this week…for a thousand different reasons. And it may or may not be something you can relate to.

I will close with this…if you had or have a compassionate, loving, and giving MOM then you’re super blessed!! And I sure do hope and pray , that you dear reader, have just that!! Happy Mother’ Day!

Look UP my friends!