The Pastor's Wife

Carefully read the following quote…

Eight in 10 pastors’ wives say they feel unappreciated or unaccepted by their husbands’ congregations, according to surveys by the Global Pastors Wives Network (GPWN); the same number wish their husbands would choose another profession. “Wives’ issues” is the No. 1 reason pastors leave their ministries. The divorce rate among ministers and their wives is 50%, no better than that of the general public.” (www.christianpost.com)

Wow! That made me incredibly sad when I read it. Those were not my words or my own thoughts written there, but brutal statistics on pastors’ wives and the reasons pastors leave the ministry. {Before I get started, I confess I didn’t even know the GPWN existed!}

Before I talk about myself, I need to share background on how my husband was called into Pastoring I say “called” because we/he thinks of it as more than a career or a profession. I would never minimize or criticize one’s seminary or college training. I’m a big fan of academia as a whole. But, education without the intimate heart knowledge of God, salvation and redemption, is futile effort and often dangerous, in my opinion. Education doesn’t equate Godliness, with all due respect. On the other hand, if one has opportunity to attend seminary or a Christian college, then that’s an incredible opportunity, and I support it!  We believe that God can and does use those who think of themselves as unworthy and/or underqualified to preach the Gospel. “The foolishness of preaching,” as the Bible refers to it. He felt a heart tug and leading of the Holy Spirit a long time before he “surrendered” his life to God’s official call.

Prior to “senior Pastoring” as it is often referred to, he was the associate pastor for about ten years at a church, and the unofficial associate pastor (at a different location) for about eight years prior to that. All of that “fancy title” definition summarized in a few job roles, often within the same service:

Sunday school Teacher

Pianist

Moderator

Assistant to Pastor (which included being an encourager and sounding board. Side note: Pastors are regular people. They can be moody and easily discouraged! Be careful not to take away from his focus)

Assistant choir director

Assistant Pianist

Greeter

Song Leader

Outreach Leader

Youth Leader

Event Planner

Van/Bus Driver

Senior Saint Leader

Visitor of the sick/Hospitalized

Caller of the Flock

Prayer Line Coordinator

“Smoother off” of rough edges

Unseen cleaner of commodes

You name it

 

 

Let me put it this way. I cannot tell you the times he would teach an adult Sunday school class, immediately go to the sanctuary to greet people to help them feel welcome. Play piano music to help facilitate a spiritual atmosphere. Switch gears to do the official greeting – open up service – make announcements. Then move to leading the choir, or sing with the choir, or play the piano for the choir. (Ya’ have to be prepared for anything!)

 Then after the offering part of service, it is time to sing a song or two (he and I) or he might play for another group or two. There are lots of things to maneuver and “work out” to make things appear smooth and effortless!

Then, “finally,” when the pastor stood to bring the message, it was often my husband running to adjust the sound, get the Pastor a bottle of water, working out glitches, adjust wires, or any other thing in way of serving to help the Pastor and message flow.

Aaahhh, then he’d sit down on the front row looking for help from the Word in support of the pastor. Sort of, the pastor’s built in ‘Amen Corner.’

Then again, frequently, it would also be my husband bringing the message. So duties continue!

After service, my husband would/does stand at the door and thank people for coming and add a personal touch. A connection. (You’ve heard that people get mad if the preacher doesn’t shake their hand!)

I confidently know this…He never complained; considered it a privilege to serve in any capacity because he was given a true Pastor’s heart of servant hood, but I could see there were times he was exhausted before he ever brought the Word. A lot of work goes on behind the scenes by way of Associate Pastors, Youth Pastors, and Pastors – of course musicians and other workers in the church. But this blog is specifically about Pastors and Pastor’s wife.

If done in the right heart and the right spirit, then God will bless our sacrifices. After all, it’s ALL about HIM. Not serving man. I’ve come to better understand that the unseen Hand of God sees the unseen work for His kingdom. It’s the eternal investment that often keeps us going! I’ve also come to understand that when a man claims and controls the church as his church, rather than HIS church, there’s usually an ego problem. Note I said control, and not lead. And not to be offensive to anyone, but Pastors should not (in my opinion) be bullies from the pulpit our outside of the pulpit.

We all have life experiences that help shape our attitudes, values, and views on life. I’m not projecting my emotions or thoughts onto you or anyone else. I’m not claiming martyrdom for my husband or me. I FULLY acknowledge without HIM, that I am nothing. I’m reminded that my best is as filthy rags according to God’s infallible Word! But, sometimes I think to myself, “You think your job is hard? Try being married to a man in the ministry!”  (Said in all humility)

After praying and debating for many weeks, here are a few random things I would like to confess or share with you. The list will not be all inclusive, but may they serve as gentle reminders.

The Pastor’s Wife

·        I’m a regular lady; married to a great guy. I have regular thoughts, adversities, goals, and broken dreams.

·        I’m married to the man God made for me. He happens to be my Pastor.

·        Secondary to God, I try to keep my husband and family first, just like I hope you do.

·        I spend a lot of time away from my husband. More than you think! As he’s visiting others and completing church duties, I can’t always attend, or the situation may not be appropriate for my presence.

·        I don’t eavesdrop on lengthy phone calls or conversations that he has with others, but sometimes I find myself desiring an equal span of time.

·        Weekends and Sundays are the BEST part of the week. Yet, Sundays are “work” days for us. In our specific situation, we’ve also worked secular jobs during the week and he MUST be prepared for two messages. You can’t summon God like a genie from a bottle. It takes time to prepare mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Messages are not haphazardly thrown together. Study time is often in lieu of family activities, late at night, or at the crack of dawn.

·        I’m a little jealous natured – Ladies, it’s not nice to be overly touchy with the Pastor or Associate Pastor. I notice when you’re too attention seeking. I’m a Christian, not a dummy. (Same goes for men as well…Long hugs and invasion of my personal space makes me feel awkward!)

·        I stand in need of prayer, as does my husband. Daily.

·        I thoroughly enjoy and feel blessed to be able to work alongside my husband. I have certain things that I am drawn to, like teaching a Bible Study or organizing a meal. I want you to be enriched, pleased and blessed by your church. Remember, I’m a people pleaser by nature, but I’m not perfect. I’m not a doormat… Nor am I the Pastor.

·        It’s my job to encourage the Pastor EVERY day, but especially on Mondays!! So please TRY to refrain from criticism and negative feedback on Sunday. If I’m discouraged, I’ll have a tendency to be in the WRONG spirit, and consequently hurt my Pastor. You’re familiar with the adage, “If mama ain’t happy – ain’t nobody happy.” Well, it’s like that for me too. If my husband isn’t happy, then I’m not happy! And vice versa! He wants me to be happy too.

Thank you for taking time to learn about me. Perhaps you have come to know me or your Pastor’s wife a little more. Just like preachers, the wives are all different. Some are introverts. Some extroverts. Some uncomfortable in the forefront; some resentful of the back burner. I’ve met some PW’s who don’t consider it a life calling. Others do. There’s no perfect formula for the perfect Pastor or Pastor’s Wife.

 

But, as Joshua said in the Bible, “but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15 KJV)

 

Let’s keep looking UP!

5 Great Quotes

I'm quite consistent about looking for little nuggets from God. Let's face it, everyone is busy, we all have responsibilities, and sometimes we stand in need of a quick reminder that God is in control and that "this ain't our eternal home yet!" (please excuse the southern dialect if you're unfamiliar- we say ain't, y'all, yonder, and yessum' where I live)

I came across a great list of quotes on goodreads.com and want to share some of them {about Christian living} with you...they just MIGHT encourage you at this time or down the road of life! In my humble opinion, they make a really good read before bed or before your day officially begins. 

"Do all the good you can. By all the means you  can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times that you can." ---- John Wesley


"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." --- John Piper


"Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them." --- Elizabeth Elliot


"Rejection is an opportunity for your selection!" --- Bernard Branson


"We may speak of a place where there are no tears, no death, no fear, no night; but those are just the benefits of heaven. The beauty of heaven is seeing God." ---Max Lucado


Keep looking UP friends!

Blanket of Grace

2 Corinthians 12:9King James Version (KJV)

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Amidst the saddest and most complicated storm in my life, up until now I should say, I have found small but consistent moments of sustenance from the Word of God, from the prayers of others, and from time spent seeking calmness among the chaos.  Keyword = consistent.  I have learned that we sometimes need things in small doses so that we can fully appreciate them or allow ourselves to accept them.  We don’t run a marathon without preparation. It requires training, right!? 

The challenge is we have to purposefully LOOK and SEEK beyond our circumstances; beyond ourselves; beyond our present condition; beyond the smallness of our minds, the brokenness of our sorrow.  Even for seasoned people of Faith, for those who prefer to think of ourselves as “rock solid” Christians, we might find ourselves in conflict or the “valley of the shadow of death” too!

But! Please allow me to say again, but! Here comes one of the simplest nuggets of Faith…God’s grace is sufficient (2 Corinth 12:9) I fully understand that words come cheap---but that promise is found in God’s Word! They’re not silly superficial words of my own.  You can bank on HIM! Every single time.

As the songwriter (Steven Phillips) so expressively captured, we/I have been, “covered in a blanket of grace.”

In recent times I do remember the first day in which my grief had been matched with peace. Boy, that’s a painful process, let me tell ya! (But, that’s that SUFFICIENT GRACE I was referring to earlier!)

So, the question for today is, do I remember the first day I was covered in a BLANKET of GRACE? Do you remember?

Hmm…well, thinking back on it, the FIRST day I’m acutely aware of being fully covered in grace, would have been in June 1982. That was the day I accepted Christ as my personal Savior.  I asked Him to be the Lord and Master of my life. It excites my spirit when I reflect back on the preaching of God’s Word that Sunday evening. The old fashioned altar. My pastor’s wife who so lovingly showed me God’s Word and explained how simple the plan of Salvation was/is. (Life Lesson: We can talk to God anywhere at any time. We don’t have to be in His house to experience His communication or His love!)

After all these years, all these tears, and all these fiery tests – I’m beginning to understand like I have never experienced before – the unconditional depth of God’s love.  He loves me (and you) infinitely more than I can even comprehend.

A few things to remember:

*Just because you can’t see what’s shifting behind the scenes, doesn’t mean something good isn’t happening!

*Grace covers you in every situation of life – both the big and the seemingly small

*Just like an earthly blanket offers heat, warmth, and protection from the elements - the love, the protecting hand of God, and the warmth of God cannot be stolen from you.

*God’s love for us is what carries us through the coldest and most turbulent of times

Laura Marano said, “I don’t know about you, but I think blankets are the best, especially your own personal blanket.”

LIFE LESSON:  Every Believer has his/her own blanket of grace! Allow God's grace to permeate your heart, your mind, and your personal journey.

Let’s Look Up!

Lesson from Africa

I’m reading the FCA Devotional for Athletes and Coaches as my daily devotional right now. It was a book I picked up earlier this week at the Billy Graham Library in lovely Charlotte, NC. {Take a tour sometime if you’re able!}

One of the devotions jumped out at me. The author stated, “There’s a place in Africa where the world is split in two.” I thought that sentiment captured the current mood of the United States right now. With the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on legalizing gay marriage, the whirlwind of anti-Christendom has begun. By that statement, I mean that those people who stand in support of one man and one woman entering the marriage covenant are being referred to as haters, bigots, dogmatists, hypocrites, die-hards and everything else of negative connotation that I can currently think of.

I don’t understand why equality seems to pertain mostly to those outside of Christendom. Rainbow lights on our White House, the people’s house? Ok...Then let’s be equal and fair in every way possible – let’s have a day for everyone. Of all self-identified or birth lineages. Let’s have a Democrat day, a Republican day, a Libertarian day, a Caucasian day, an African American day, a Hispanic/Latino day, a Christian day, and an Atheist day, and so forth. After all, it’s not tolerant or acceptable to show preferentialism and favoritism is it? It’s certainly not tolerant in today’s politically correct atmosphere.

Let me get back to Africa – more specifically, the equator. The north of it, water flows clockwise, to the south of it, water flows counter-clockwise. And, get this, if you’re standing ON the equator’s line, water doesn’t flow at all.

It seems to me, that we can compare this to our Christian journey. I believe it’s important to recognize within ourselves if we’re flowing AWAY from God’s Word. From His commandments. My husband, whom I greatly respect, said this, “The commandments don’t change because society changes. Our relationship with Jesus is what evolves – not God’s omnipotent design.”

Question to Ask Ourselves: Am I so caught up in things and events around me that I’ve lost my focus on what’s most important? Our personal relationship with Christ Jesus should guide us, convict us, lead us, and sustain us, and it WILL do those things –if we allow Him, through grace, to do so.

I liked the closing prayer on page 88 of the devotional book referenced earlier. It reads as follows –

“Heavenly Father, we are constantly surrounded by people who each have their opinions on our performance and abilities. Please change our frame of mind to see those around us as people who need YOUR love. May we compete with boldness and excellence, and in turn, bring all glory and honor to You. Amen.”

My personal desire is that ALL will come to live happily in the knowledge of salvation through the Cross. My identity is founded in Christ, and Him alone. I don’t lift myself up above anyone of any creed whether comparable or dissimilar to my own. I dream of a world where ALL people live in peace and prosperity. Where people treat each other with kindness. Where abuse is non-existent. Where animals are loved and humanely treated. Where there’s no need for cancer centers. Alzheimer’s was cured. Where hospitals became extinct because people are healthy.  Where all people lived by the “Golden Rule.” I long to see people in unity, through God.

I would love to see everyone accept God’s gift of eternal life through the death and resurrection of His only Son. Sadly, God will continue to be rejected and those who serve Him as fully as possible, will be considered “outcasts” in society.

The longer I serve Him, the more undeserving of His blessings, I know I am. In the meantime...

Let’s look UP friends!

Malachi 3:6King James Version (KJV)

⁶ For I am the Lord, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed.

The Constant in Life is Change

 Psalm 61 (KJV) Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation.

² He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved.

³ How long will ye imagine mischief against a man? ye shall be slain all of you: as a bowing wall shall ye be, and as a tottering fence.

⁴ They only consult to cast him down from his excellency: they delight in lies: they bless with their mouth, but they curse inwardly. Selah.

⁵ My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.

⁶ He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved.

⁷ In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

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I’ve been going through in an extreme fluctuation of emotions lately. One moment trying to process the sudden loss of our niece/daughter. At other times, I’ve been numb or in a state of bewilderment. Loss. Grief. Despair over attack from the enemy. We’ve all been there at some point, for a variety of reasons…it’s one of life’s common denominators.

I’ve had a few short moments where I’ve let the floodgates open, and have cried deeply for a few minutes. But mostly, my spirit has remained silent. As the songwriter so brilliantly captures, “For day and for night, my heart was so heavy. My spirit was silent, and my bones were so weary.”

I’ve talked with God. A lot. Asked Him to fill my weakness with His strength. To conceal and console my silent spirit with mercy in ways I cannot comprehend. To extend His daily grace in a way that binds my out of control thoughts or emotions.

I know this one thing – if it wasn’t for the love of God penetrating the darkest hours of my life I couldn’t make it.

So, it begs the question? How does the Believer cope with the loss of a child – young or adult? The loss of things you held secure? Those moments when you wonder if your prayers go beyond the ceiling you’re under at that moment. (I think most of us would admit that feeling from time to time…as we’re begging, beseeching, seeking God to deliver us from our circumstances).

·        Understand grief is unique to everyone, and we all grieve over different things/losses differently.

·        Pray constantly. Turn to Jesus for your innermost needs. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others and ASK for prayer!

·        Know that at some point, your chuckle, smile, or laugh will return. And it’s a good thing. It took me a couple of weeks to laugh again. Of least expected places, a cat video that a friend posted on Facebook. Unexpected laughter is a real blessing!

·         Know that God will restore you to a place of emotional and spiritual balance in His timing. Don’t feel rushed to put on a happy face or false illusion. Be yourself.

·        Claim certain Scriptures in the Bible. Read them often. Psalm 62 has helped me this past week. (Just because you’re going through a trial, doesn’t mean the adversary doesn’t attack! In fact, it might feel like it gets WORSE during our worst of times)

·        Then last but not least, surround yourself with those people and things you love.

I ask that you pray (or continue to pray) for my family and me in the weeks ahead…I’ve always heard in regard to our earthly journey, “The only constant in life is change,” and I tend to agree with that sentiment very much.

Be reminded that what people may intend for your harm, God will turn it around for your good. He will give you beauty for ashes.

What sorrow encompasses you today will not always dictate your thoughts and actions. HE will wrap you in His comforting arms.

Let’s look UP!

 

 

Short List of Quotes/Scripture!

In times of distress and turmoil, I find it necessary to turn to God’s Word and to other sources for encouragement. Well, let’s clarify that. It’s always beneficial and essential to incorporate God’s Word into my/our lives, but as of late, I have REALLY stood in need of motivation. The keep on keepin’ on kind…the don’t question why bad things happen type!

I’m reminded that the flesh continues to be weak, even when we think of ourselves as seasoned Christians! It’s good not to get “too big for your britches,” as the saying goes.

I have compiled a short of list of quotes or Scripture that may possibly change your life! (In times of despair – or in times of peace)

People aren’t against you; they are for themselves.

You learn more from failure than from success. Don’t let it stop you!

Go where you’re celebrated. Not where you’re tolerated.

The person that you will spend the most time with in life is yourself.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me (Philippians 4:13 KJV)

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid (Matthew 5:14)

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he stall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22)

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God (Isaiah 41:10)

Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you (! Peter 5:7)

 

May you rest well tonight and/or today…Be reminded of these quotes/Scriptures during your journey!

Let’s look UP

 

Treated Like a Dog!

King James Bible: Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

My step-dad used to jokingly (or maybe not so jokingly) say that if there was such a thing as reincarnation, he wanted to come back as one of my grandmother’s dogs. Meaning, her dogs had a great life…amazing food, regular deluxe baths, the most comfortable part of the sofa, extra treats, various toys, an unlimited supply of love and affection, no expense spared to meet any need for her ‘babies!’ For all intrinsic purposes, anyone that knew my grandmother, knew her dogs were numero uno! Once she had a large beautiful dog, half -husky and half-saint Bernard, named King. My step-dad said it was the most appropriate name for ALL of her dogs. “They certainly enjoyed a king’s life,” he’d quip.

So, to say that you’re being or have been treated like a dog, in some instances could be a wonderful thing. But let’s look at the other side…

I greatly dislike those SPCA commercials of the wounded and a mistreated animals. I usually turn the channel if I can. Not because, I’m not stirred by the images on the screen, but because it sickens my stomach. It stimulates my compassion. (My hubby says I’m the type of person who would live or own a zoo if possible. Remember that movie that came out a few years back, “We Bought a Zoo” with Matt Daemon? Well, you get the idea…) It’s heartbreaking to see how human beings can be so cruel and thoughtless to a lesser, innocent animal. I remember several years ago, in a town next to mine, a lady found 2 kittens nailed to a box outside of a grocery store. The poor things had been “crucified” in the way they had been positioned on the board –their little paws each pulled far apart and maliciously nailed. Who would do that?!! The police never caught the perpetrators, but felt like it was a group of teens. (Even sadder to me)

So WHY DO people intentionally hurt you?  What gain do people get from it?

Ever worked or lived with anyone who had a horrid bark? Not just a harsh bark but an even nastier bite? Why DO we turn on each other, often biting the one who has loved and cared for us?! You’ve probably seen or experienced people “within the church” guilty of this same behavior. WHY do they abuse authority, position, or titles?

My short answer…Selfishness and Ego.

Here are a few tips for when the ATTACK dogs

Are on the loose in your life!

·         Don’t try to control them when they’re out of their cage! This means you can’t rationalize with an irrational person. If it’s appropriate, use animal behaviors, and don’t confront them with eye contact. Remain calm. It emblazons the attacker more often than not when we defend ourselves.

·         Remember that one’s sense of entitlement doesn’t make being mean-spirited okay. I used to have a boss who constantly (or regularly at least) said demeaning things about female leadership. I didn’t understand it for a long time, until I understood that he must have been insecure within himself. He spent a lot of time going “up and down the block” intimidating and bullying the rest of us. Did it make him happier? Probably not. Nicer? No.

·         Understand that you can’t fix people! Only God can do that. We can pray. We can control our own reactions. We can bite our tongues, figuratively. We can TRAIN ourselves through God’s Word. Don’t try to TRAIN a dog in attack mode…it doesn’t work. They have to be willing and calm first. It remains true that wild animals attack other smaller or weaker animals. They seek to devour. Purpose in your heart to let God fight your battle. He’s NEVER lost a battle, so I put a lot of confidence in His track record!

·         Some dogs attack out of anger and/or a thirst to dominate. They may lash out at you, but they’re really mad at the world. At themselves. They want to control SOMETHING in their lives. Offer soothing words, a turned cheek of forgiveness, but I wouldn’t encourage you to try and solve their issues. The truth is, at this point, most attack dogs are driven by their ego.

·         Grab the pepper spray! Go for the shock collar!! Okay, just kidding here. No need to carry a big stick, at least most of the time. But the Word of God is our weapon. HE promised to be our shield! (Psalm 18:2)

·         Keep telling yourself, “God will equip me with the strength I need to deal with this situation.”  Or this person. Or this event. Remind yourself that no enemy formed against you will prosper! They may win the battle, but not the war! (Isaiah 54:17)

·         Then finally, when attack dogs/people come barking and biting…Don’t go back to try and shut the gate!  Keep walking…walk away before you’re hurt further! You’re walking into enemy territory. Start praising God for His blessings, His purpose in your life, His love for you, His dying on the Cross for you, His continued protection. Force OUT the barking and let IN the peace of God. It can be challenging! I understand this all too well. But, in your car, in your cubicle, in your mind, in your office, as soon as possible – ask Him not to allow you to fall into a trap. Hold back your own tendency to lash back. (We’re human!) Play some heavenly, Godly music. Write some notes in your journal. Pray to God. Do things that will mentally pepper-spray that old adversary’s mouth shut! Don’t try to fix it yourself.

Look for those “Beware of Dog!” signs! They might help you avoid being bitten.

Let’s do look UP!