Carefully
read the following quote…
Eight in 10
pastors’ wives say they feel unappreciated
or unaccepted by their husbands’ congregations, according to surveys by the
Global Pastors Wives Network (GPWN); the same number wish their husbands would
choose another profession. “Wives’ issues” is the No. 1
reason pastors leave their ministries. The divorce rate among ministers and
their wives is 50%, no better than that of the general public.” (www.christianpost.com)
Wow! That made me
incredibly sad when I read it. Those were not my words or my own thoughts
written there, but brutal statistics on pastors’ wives and the reasons pastors
leave the ministry. {Before I get started, I confess I didn’t even know the
GPWN existed!}
Before I talk
about myself, I need to share background on how my husband was called into
Pastoring I say “called” because we/he thinks of it as more than a career or a
profession. I would never minimize or criticize one’s seminary or college
training. I’m a big fan of academia as a whole. But, education without the
intimate heart knowledge of God, salvation and redemption, is futile effort and
often dangerous, in my opinion. Education doesn’t equate Godliness, with all due respect. On the
other hand, if one has opportunity to attend seminary or a Christian college,
then that’s an incredible opportunity, and I support it! We believe that God can and does use those who
think of themselves as unworthy and/or underqualified to preach the Gospel. “The
foolishness of preaching,” as the Bible refers to it. He felt a heart tug and
leading of the Holy Spirit a long time before he “surrendered” his life to God’s
official call.
Prior to “senior
Pastoring” as it is often referred to, he was the associate pastor for about
ten years at a church, and the unofficial associate pastor (at a different
location) for about eight years prior to that. All of that “fancy title”
definition summarized in a few job roles, often within the same service:
Sunday school Teacher
Pianist
Moderator
Assistant to Pastor (which included
being an encourager and sounding board. Side note: Pastors are regular people.
They can be moody and easily discouraged! Be careful not to take away from his
focus)
Assistant choir director
Assistant Pianist
Greeter
Song Leader
Outreach Leader
Youth Leader
Event Planner
Van/Bus Driver
Senior Saint Leader
Visitor of the sick/Hospitalized
Caller of the Flock
Prayer Line Coordinator
“Smoother off” of rough edges
Unseen cleaner of commodes
You name it
Let me put it
this way. I cannot tell you the times he would teach an adult Sunday school
class, immediately go to the sanctuary to greet people to help them feel
welcome. Play piano music to help facilitate a spiritual atmosphere. Switch
gears to do the official greeting – open up service – make announcements. Then
move to leading the choir, or sing with the choir, or play the piano for the
choir. (Ya’ have to be prepared for anything!)
Then after the offering part of service, it is
time to sing a song or two (he and I) or he might play for another group or two.
There are lots of things to maneuver and “work out” to make things appear smooth
and effortless!
Then, “finally,”
when the pastor stood to bring the message, it was often my husband running to
adjust the sound, get the Pastor a bottle of water, working out glitches, adjust
wires, or any other thing in way of serving to help the Pastor and message
flow.
Aaahhh, then he’d
sit down on the front row looking for help from the Word in support of the
pastor. Sort of, the pastor’s built in ‘Amen Corner.’
Then again,
frequently, it would also be my husband bringing the message. So duties
continue!
After service, my
husband would/does stand at the door and thank people for coming and add a personal
touch. A connection. (You’ve heard that people get mad if the preacher doesn’t
shake their hand!)
I confidently know
this…He never complained; considered it a privilege to
serve in any capacity because he was given a true Pastor’s heart of
servant hood, but I could see there were times he was exhausted before he ever
brought the Word. A lot of work goes on behind the scenes by way of Associate
Pastors, Youth Pastors, and Pastors – of course musicians and other workers in
the church. But this blog is specifically about Pastors and Pastor’s wife.
If done in the
right heart and the right spirit, then God will bless our sacrifices. After
all, it’s ALL about HIM. Not serving man. I’ve come to better understand that the
unseen Hand of God sees the unseen work for His kingdom. It’s the eternal
investment that often keeps us going! I’ve also come to understand that when a man claims and
controls the church as his church, rather than HIS church, there’s usually an
ego problem. Note I said control, and not lead. And not to be offensive
to anyone, but Pastors should not (in my opinion) be bullies from the pulpit
our outside of the pulpit.
We all have life
experiences that help shape our attitudes, values, and views on life. I’m not
projecting my emotions or thoughts onto you or anyone else. I’m not claiming martyrdom
for my husband or me. I FULLY acknowledge without HIM, that I am nothing. I’m
reminded that my best is as filthy rags according to God’s infallible Word!
But, sometimes I think to myself, “You think your job is hard? Try being
married to a man in the ministry!” (Said
in all humility)
After praying and
debating for many weeks, here are a few random things I would like to confess
or share with you. The list will not be all inclusive, but may they serve as
gentle reminders.
The
Pastor’s Wife
·
I’m
a regular lady; married to a great guy. I have regular thoughts, adversities, goals,
and broken dreams.
·
I’m
married to the man God made for me. He happens to be my Pastor.
·
Secondary
to God, I try to keep my husband and family first, just like I hope you do.
·
I
spend a lot of time away from my husband. More than you think! As he’s
visiting others and completing church duties, I can’t always attend, or the situation
may not be appropriate for my presence.
·
I
don’t eavesdrop on lengthy phone calls or conversations that he has with others,
but sometimes I find myself desiring an equal span of time.
·
Weekends
and Sundays are the BEST part of the week. Yet, Sundays are “work” days for us.
In our specific situation, we’ve also worked secular jobs during the week and
he MUST be prepared for two messages. You can’t summon God like a genie from a
bottle. It takes time to prepare mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
Messages are not haphazardly thrown together. Study time is often in lieu of
family activities, late at night, or at the crack of dawn.
·
I’m
a little jealous natured – Ladies, it’s not nice to be overly touchy with the Pastor
or Associate Pastor. I notice when you’re too attention seeking. I’m a
Christian, not a dummy. (Same goes for men as well…Long hugs and invasion of my
personal space makes me feel awkward!)
·
I
stand in need of prayer, as does my husband. Daily.
·
I
thoroughly enjoy and feel blessed to be able to work alongside my husband. I
have certain things that I am drawn to, like teaching a Bible Study or
organizing a meal. I want you to be enriched, pleased and blessed by your
church. Remember, I’m a people pleaser by nature, but I’m not perfect. I’m not
a doormat… Nor am I the Pastor.
·
It’s
my job to encourage the Pastor EVERY day, but especially on Mondays!! So please
TRY to refrain from criticism and negative feedback on Sunday. If I’m
discouraged, I’ll have a tendency to be in the WRONG spirit, and consequently
hurt my Pastor. You’re familiar with the adage, “If mama ain’t happy – ain’t
nobody happy.” Well, it’s like that for me too. If my husband isn’t happy, then
I’m not happy! And vice versa! He wants me to be happy too.
Thank you for taking time to learn about me. Perhaps you have come to
know me or your Pastor’s wife a little more. Just like preachers, the wives are
all different. Some are introverts. Some extroverts. Some uncomfortable in the
forefront; some resentful of the back burner. I’ve met some PW’s who don’t
consider it a life calling. Others do. There’s no perfect formula for the
perfect Pastor or Pastor’s Wife.
But, as Joshua said in the Bible, “but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua
24:15 KJV)
Let’s keep looking UP!
